Spiders suck

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
I don't like bugs.It doesn't really matter what kind of bug it is, I don't like it.Possibly the only insect I do not mind is the ladybug. It seems like a harmless little winged creature.I also read somewhere it is supposed to be good luck if a ladybug lands onyou.I am sure there are many other harmless winged insects out there, but most of them are ugly, and ugly is enough of a reason for me not to like them.They could bite, sting or pinch and that too puts them on the flee-at-first-site list.There are different levels of dislike as well. Flies are merely a nuisance and when I eventually die and go to heaven one of the first things I am going to ask God is what was he thinking when he created the mosquito.Bugs like earwigs, centipedes, beetles, and those black flying ants areall on my squash-the-second-you-see-them list.I saw one humungous winged creature that I don't even know what it was,but it was ugly enough to make me want to jump out of my skin.I am sorry if this offends anyone from PETI - People for the EthicalTreatment of Insects - but I am not gonna stop squishing the littleterrors for anyone.My ultimate in bug prejudice is reserved for the spider. Big ones, littleones, fat, skinny, whatever - it if is a spider I hate it.And I will admit spiders scare the snot out of me.One day I was walking through a little field near my home to go check out acreek when for no real reason I looked down - I call it my anti-spideysense.What I saw still haunts my dreams to this day. It was an orange and blackspider roughly the size of a Chihuahua crawling up a piece of webbing thatwas stuck to my arm.I looked the beast right in its eyes, and immediately screamed like afrightened little school girl.The high-pitched girly scream, of course, is accompanied by the 'spiderdance.'That is where you jump around like an idiot while screaming 'GET IT OFF,GET IT OFF' over and over until you either calm down or pass out.I got the monster off of me, but continued doing the 'spider twitch' for afew seconds.This is the aftermath of the spider dance and involves involuntarilytwitching your arms and legs because your body refuses to accept theinformation your brain is telling you that the spider is gone.Anyone watching this must have thought I had lost my mind andwas overcome with some sort of standing seizure that would not allow me toutter anything more than a garbled squeal.Those who share my distaste for insect vermin would know exactly what isgoing on.Spiders are without a doubt my biggest phobia. I have no problem withsnakes, rodents or even politicians (to a degree), but put even a littlespider near me or some sort of large, winged insect type beast and it isscream time.A friend of mine is the rugged outdoors type who camps and hunts and eatstrees or whatever else it is he does in the woods.(Some details are better left unspoken - trust me.)He's the kind of outdoorsman who could kill a deer with a spoon and gut itwith his teeth.He is not overly fond of spiders, but his real fear is frogs. That'sright, the float in the water, eat flies and croak amphibians found injust about every place on the planet.The man is stark raving terrified of frogs. If the animal kingdom knewthis, the next time he went hunting all they would have to do is surroundhis camp with frogs and he would never come out of his trailer.We were walking next to a lake one evening when a big ol' bullfrog jumpedup and bumped his leg.Remember my comments about screaming like a little girl? Welcome to theclub my friend.He screeched and jumped about five feet straight up. I laughed so hard Inearly fell in the lake.He then did the frog dance, followed by the frog twitch, all the whileemitting a unique vocabulary style I was thankful my kids were unable tohear.He had his own laugh later that evening when we were sitting around thecampfire. I was sitting there, minding my own business when I feltsomething go down the back of my shirt.I just knew it was a Goliath tarantula that had hitched a ride to Canadain a banana crate, worked its way into the woods where I was camping,climbed up the tree directly behind me and dropped down my back.Feeling something foreign in my shirt, I jumped straight up and starteddoing the 'dance' only to discover it was no more than a piece of a tree.The good thing about being afraid of frogs the chances are slim one willever fall from a tree down your shirt or be spotted crawling across theceiling of your home.So if anyone sees me jumping around like a madman and screaming like asmall frightened child, don't worry, I'm just interacting with the insectrealm in my own scaredy-cat way.