Make games not war

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
Forget sitcoms, the real funny stuff is happening all around us everyday.
The laughs are out there, they may be hidden among all the doom and gloom of the daily news and obscenely high gas prices, but if you look hard enough, life can be one big basket full of strangeness that is enough to keep you snickering all day long.
For example, a man in the United States of America was recently charged with assaulting a police officer.
Now assaulting an officer is certainly nothing to laugh about, but the culprit’s choice of weapons did generate that snicker I was talking about.
It would seem the man attacked the cop with some M&Ms - and not the whole bag, but one at a time.
Apparently, the man throwing the chocolate candy said he was “sticking up” for his friend who was being asked a few questions by the member of the law enforcement community.
The news report said the officer noticed several of the brightly coloured candies on the ground next to him and when he turned around he saw one of the sweet projectiles hit him on the shoulder.
The story did not say if the officer was wearing an M&M-proof vest.
The man was actually arrested and charged with assault, jailed and then released on $1,000 bond.
I am just thankful he didn’t have any chocolate-covered almonds or cashews. Those can be larger than a peanut and if thrown hard enough, they could almost make a small child cry. Chocolate-covered Brazil nuts are, of course, banned under the Geneva Convention.
It’s probably for the best the young man was arrested, because his life of crime would likely escalate.
First it’s throwing M&Ms, then its tossing those little Halloween chocolate bars, then full-sized bars, then super-sized chocolate bars and before you know it he is running to the bulk section of the grocery store and filling the biggest bag he can find before going on a candy throwing rampage akin to the Bonnie and Clyde crime spree of the early 1900s.
I am just thankful the young man was given a stern reminder that throwing edibles, no matter how sweet and tasty, is simply unacceptable in today’s society.
Candy is for eating, not for flicking at big, strong police officers.
The United States government is also investigating after a report of CMDs, Candies of Mass Destruction, was filed.
Of course, had that happened the Canada, the man simply would have been Tazered and the candy would have melted into a gooey mess.
In other news, a woman – once again in the good ol’ U.S. of A. – recently decided to pay a $1 parking ticket she received in 1976.
Officials had long ago given up on receiving payment, but the other day a note arrived with a $20 bill to pay the outstanding fine. The extra money was included to cover any interest that may have accumulated.
Officials expect to mail her a receipt around the year 2040.
Here’s a strange one (as if the first two weren’t strange enough).
The London Times reported an American (there’s a surprise) businessman announced plans to spend half-a-billion dollars to build a Disneyland-type theme park.
There’s nothing strange about that you say, but considering his choice of downtown Baghdad as the ideal location, it does make it kind of odd.
Has this guy read the news in the last, oh I don’t know, 20 years or so?
Perhaps plans for building an amusement park in the middle of North Korea fell through and Baghdad was his next option.
According to the news report, the first phase of the project will be a skateboard facility and it includes plans to hand out 200,000 free skateboards.
Now that makes sense. What kid wouldn’t want to do a rail slide in the middle of a war zone? Except instead of sliding down a handrail, they could slide down the barrel of a tank or something. Nothing like a day of skating to take your mind off the fact your homeland is embroiled in a seemingly endless armed conflict.
I wonder if the businessman has plans on handing out helmets and bullet-proof vests to the amusement park goers as well.
The rides could be called The Duck and Cover, Find the Nearest Bomb Shelter and my personal favourite, the Oh Crap, Is That An IED Adventureland.
The story said that eventually the park will include a variety of rides and even a concert theatre, all of which will be built next to the Green Zone, which is supposed to be a safe area.
Good luck with that, and once the war-zone amusement park is up and running, I heard he is planning to hire members of the Manson family to run the child-care centre.