Not full of crap

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
This one was just too good to pass by.
It involves those nutty Russians and an activity most people do not boast about.
According to an Associated Press story “a monument to a procedure many people would rather not think about has been unveiled at a spa in a southern Russian city. The 363-kilogram bronze syringe bulb held by three angels honours the enema.”
Go ahead, snicker, I did.
Spa director Alexander Kharchenko said there is “no kitsch or obscenity” involved.
He calls the monument a “successful work of art” that pays tribute to what is “almost a symbol of our region.”
How would you like to live in an area where the claim to fame is Roto-rooter of the derriere?
The Okanagan has the wonderful lakes, beautiful weather (well, maybe not this year) and nature galore, while the Russian city of Zheleznovodsk can woo people with a giant butt syringe.
I am just thankful the ‘art’ did not go further and include all the components needed to perform a successful enema. Talk about art imitating life.
To say it will be the ‘butt’ of many jokes is a given. I just hope the people of the region can put it ‘behind’ them and enjoy their notoriety.
These folks must be ‘flushing’ with pride at their enema prowess or they would not have gone to such great lengths to declare themselves masters of the procedure.
According to the story, the area is known for its dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints.
I wonder if travel agencies will include the Caucasus Mountains community in one of their Russian tour packages.
“For one low price, you can see Red Square, visit St. Basils, jet over to St. Petersburg and, for the truly adventurous, you can go to Zheleznovodsk and have a professional spa technician stick a hose up your…”
Butt wait, it gets better.
Kharchenko said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his establishment.
A banner declaring: “Let’s beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas” — an allusion to a line from The Twelve Chairs, a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa’s walls.
Actually, I hope my boss does not read this because we media types have been known to make the occasional error that could be attributed to sloppiness, and if this kind of cure catches on it could change modern media as we know it.
“Hey boss, you wanted to see me. Say, what’s the garden hose for?”
Like the fine townsfolk of Zheleznovodsk, we would all be walking funny, but we would be making fewer mistakes.
Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 1.52-metre-high monument with “irony and humour” and modelled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli.
“This device is eternal, it will never change,” she told The Associated Press.
An eternal enema syringe bulb, what kind of a legacy is that?
“Son, I want you to have this. My daddy used it just like his daddy before him and so on. Treat it well son and it will treat you well.”
“Wow, thanks dad, my very own enema bulb.”
That’s a Hallmark moment if ever there was one.
The artist went on to say, “We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors.”
A brand? That might be a bit of a stretch. How easy would it be to market this as a brand?
Maybe they could promote it as ‘Snap, Crackle and Flush,’ or ‘Come for the enema, stay for the borscht.’
Where I live, we have the slogan ‘The Sunny Okanagan,’ because the area is so sunny. Zheleznovodsk could go with, ‘Zheleznovodsk, where everything works out in the end.’
Getting hosed would take on a whole new meaning.
Souvenirs are another area where I have to question the potential for success.
“Hi honey, I’m back from my trip to Russia and I got you this beautiful and stylish enema syringe bulb. Honey? What’s wrong? Where are you going?”
Or how about, ‘My parents went to Russia and all I got was this lousy enema.’
Last, but not least is the enema award for doctors.
“To Dr. Hinderkleenerz, for flushing out a butt better than anyone else, we award you the golden syringe bulb. When it comes to cleansing a colon, you are the best, congratulations. Your parents must be proud.”
“I would like to thank the panel for selecting me and anyone who has a butt.”
If these fine folks feel a posterior purge is their claim to fame then I say go for it, but I doubt it will ever compete with Disneyland as the ‘Happiest place on Earth.”
Maybe the ‘Crappiest place on Earth,’ but apparently that is by design.
shoenews@shaw.ca