Hurry up and slow down

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
Is there an optional speed limit no one has told me about?
Maybe it is a plot by some sort of secret society to make me late everywhere I go because for some reason I always – and I do mean always – get stuck behind some guy who is driving significantly below the posted speed limit.
The other day I was stuck behind Sponge Bob Slow Pants who decided to cruise down a 50 kilometre-an-hour stretch of road at a blistering 30 km/h.
He actually reached 40 km/h at one point before hitting the brakes and bringing it down to a much more sensible snails pace.
People were walking along the road and he was waving them past and yelling, “Go around. Go around.”
Eventually Sheriff Slow Poke and The Barely Moving Posse turned off the road and I managed to reach a death-defying 50 km/h until I came to the highway.
I was then able to maintain the speed limit all the way along the four-lane portion of the highway – until I reached a two-lane section, then guess who was in front of me?
Seeing as the posted speed limit was 80 km/h it made perfect sense for this guy to travel at 60 km/h.
That 80 km/h is more of a suggestion than anything else and besides, who needs to get where they are going on time anyway?
I am not saying drivers should rip along the highway at warp factor five, all I ask is they do the speed limit.
That’s all - nothing more and definitely nothing less.
My wife has even noticed I always seem to get behind the guy who finds the posted speed limits outrageous and knows the world is a safer place if everyone would just slow down.
Never mind the 576 cars lined up behind him, they can just slow it down and enjoy the drive.
Perhaps it is some sort of cosmic payback for my youth. As a teen I had been known to drive in a manner not in accordance with the posted speed limit.
I thought about going to an exorcist because it seemed my right foot was possessed and wouldn’t listen to my brain when told to ease off the gas peddle.
The only time my foot would listen was when my brain noticed those pretty red and blue lights flashing in the rearview mirror.
Maybe by always getting stuck behind Johnny Go Slowly it will all balance out in the end. When the distance I have travelled in my life time is compared to the amount of time it took to get there, it will be exactly the speed limit.
I also have the unique ability to hit just about every single light red. Again, I am not exaggerating.
I live in Vernon and work in Kelowna, so that means I get to commute five days a week (gas companies love me.)
There are 10 traffic lights between the office and my home. I have driven the road so often I actually know how many lights there are and I have taken the time to count and memorize the number – how sad is that.
Anyway, on any given day I manage to hit the vast majority of those lights red. For a few days in a row I actually hit every single light red and that includes two pedestrian-controlled lights.
I stopped at one light and there was not another car to be seen in any direction, but as soon as I approached the intersection – yellow, red, stop.
I have to admit I found this extremely annoying and often found myself looking to the heavens and asking, “Why? Why to I have to hit every light red?”I never did get an answer, but it may just be God teaching me the value of patience. I don’t have a problem with that, I just wish it would happen faster so I could get through those green lights on occasion.