You leech me, I punch you

By DARREN HANDSCHUH
There is spa right here in Canada that features blood letting as one of its attractions.
Some spas offer a room with a hot tub in it or a beautiful view, but these guys figure the real money is in letting ancient swamp dwellers suck the blood out of people.
Great business plan guys, what else do you have going on? Perhaps full body massages by anacondas, or using pit bulls as motivation for the running club?
The leeches are used for a treatment the resort calls Ratamokshana, which I believe is an ancient Monrovian word meaning, “There’s one born every minute.”
According to the spa people, letting a slimy, bloated slug look-a-like suck your blood is good for you.
I disagree, and anyone trying to stick a leech onto me is going to learn what a napalm enema feels like.
The stupidest part about this is I am sure there are people out there paying good money to have some weirdo put leeches all over them.
Someone somewhere will argue blood letting is an age-old method of treating ailments and is actually good for you.
Well guess what Sparky, I am pretty sure modern science has done away with the need for letting a water-dwelling mass of black goo suck my plasma.
Ancient ‘doctors’ also used to drill holes in your head to let out evil spirits, so I think we can pretty much rule out Merlin and his apprentice as the last word in medical care.
I just hope the leech idea doesn’t catch on with the government or they will soon be recommending the Swamp Thing open an office in the nearest bog and start his own medical practice as a form of cost saving.
Of course, should a politician need such a treatment they would get it for free – professional courtesy I think they call it.
I have interacted with leeches in the past and I cannot say they are something I would intentionally seek out. In fact, I am pretty sure I would make a lot of effort to avoid them and I certainly would not pay money to have someone put the little blighters on me - that I guarantee.
So if I am spending so much energy avoiding them, how did I come in contact with the vampire slugs you ask? There was a lake near where I grew up that we used to go swimming in quite a bit. It was a mountain lake with clear water, fish, birds and the occasional leech.
Looking down and seeing one of those slimy implements of ickyness latched onto you was enough to make you scream like a small frightened child. Actually, I was a small frightened child at the time, but I doubt my reaction would be much different today.
The lake was not infested with the disgusting critters, but once in a while you would see someone come out of the water with a black thing stuck to their back.
It was then that you had a decision to make. Should you tell the person about the unwanted passenger, or should you tell your friends first so you could all be grossed out in a fun sort of way.
Typically you would tell your friends, then the person. This would provide the best of both worlds allowing you to be grossed out before being the hero and saving the person from the blood sucker.
The leeches tended to stay near an area that had bushes and plants growing in the water so if you avoided the plants, you generally avoided the leeches.
But of course, there is always some cranially challenged swimmer who splashed too close to the bushes and ends up getting a leech treatment for free.