The meat of the matter

BY DARREN HANDSCHUH

It was one of those things that made you stop and scratch your head in a whimsical sort of way.

While walking through a local grocery store, my wife spied a package that made her laugh out loud. The creators of the package and its product were probably not even trying to be funny, but funny they were.

Written across the top of the box in big, black letters were the words: Meatless meatballs.

Huh? How's that? Isn't that called air.

I shook the box half expecting it to be empty.

'This week only, half off a box of nothing. What a deal. Buy two boxes and we will throw in some invisible plates.'

Perhaps you could wash your meatless meatballs down with a nice big glass of liquid-free water.

Why don't they call it what it really is ñ vegetable balls. 

At least, I hope it was made of veggies. What the heck else could be in there?

Perhaps bark mulch and lawn clippings?

But in the end, it is just another example of veggie lovers trying to be as cool as us carnivores. If mashed up sprouts are so good, why do they have to pretend to be eating dead animal? I'll tell you why, because sprouts taste just slightly better than 10-year-old running shoes.

They may be more nutritious than vintage Reeboks, but that's about the only advantage they have.

Man was made to eat dead things and animals were meant to be those dead things.

Why else would God invent the barbecue?

The bible is full of verses telling people it is OK to eat animals. I can't think of any at this exact moment, but I am know they are there.

And if God did not want us to eat animals, he would not have made them so darn tasty. Instead, they would all taste like brussel sprouts.

But meatless meat is just one of the items you can buy without really getting what you are buying.

You can buy alcohol-free beer ñ why, I don't know, but you can do it.

There is sugar-free candy, that will not rot your teeth, make you fat of quench the desire for sweets.

Diet pop offers all the great stuff a regular pop offers, without the sugar. Instead, there is some weird, scientifically generated sugar substitute with a nasty after taste.

Instead of natural sugar, you can gulp down some form of chemical additive that after years of ingesting will probably cause a third arm to grow out of your butt or something.

Mmmm-mmmm good, give me more of that. 

Thanks, but I think I will stick with two arms and a pop full of sugar.

There is smokeless tobacco ñ also known as 'chew'- which is the most disgusting thing I have ever tried in my life. 

A friend of mine used to rant and rave about how great ìchawin' tobacciî is, so I figured I would give it a try. 

My foray into the world of smokeless tobacco lasted about two minutes before I quickly reached the point of spit it out, or barf it out.

ìYou're right pal, that is some goooood stuff. I bet is is almost as good as chewing on a dog turd.î

There is fat-free this and fat-free that. Trans fats are, of course, just slightly less evil than the bubonic plague and are being shunned throughout the land.

But what this world really needs is exercise-free exercise. All you have to do is sit on your behind and just think about working out and the pounds will melt off of you.

I heard a martial arts master once say, ìEat right, exercise lots, die anyway.î
Truer words have never been spoken.

I wonder if he has ever tried meatless meatballs.