What do you get for the person how has
everything?
Nothing, they already have everything,
adding more stuff to the collection would just be greedy.
But if you are looking for gifts that
are, well, a little out of the norm for someone who does not have
everything, then keep reading.
There is no shortage of strange,
bizarre and downright weird gifts out there.
How about a potty piano for the music
lover in your home?
This is a little plastic mat keyboard
you put in front of the toilet so the sitter can make merry music
while having a little personal time.
Why you ask? I have no idea. I could
not even guess how this would make the world a better place or who
would want to play the piano with their feet while they, um, er,
well, you know.
Not strange enough for you? Not a
problem.
How about a full-size Krampus Christmas
demon costume. Nothing says peace and goodwill on Earth like a
horned, fanged, fur-covered monster toting a red sack full of body
parts.
This is an especially good idea if you
have children.
“See kids, I told you to behave and
you didn't so this is what you get.”
It will give them hours and hours
worth of things to talk to their psychiatrist about when they are
older.
Have chocolate lover in the house?
Then you need a big ol' hunk of Cricket Crunch Bar.
As the name implies, it is a chocolate
bar filled with nutritious and delicious crickets.
The sales pitch goes: “Crickets are a
popular snack in many parts of the world, and have a texture like
puffed rice. Plus, they have fibre and protein.”
Do you know what else the chocolate bar
is full of? Bugs, that's what.
Scurrying, scampering, multi-legged
insects do not belong in my chocolate – ever. Maybe I could save
some money and throw a few dozen grasshoppers into a pot of melted
Hershey bars. But I will admit I do not know if locusts have the same
nutritional value as crickets so the health nuts among us may want to
stick to the cricket diet.
Feasting on insects not pleasing to the
pallet? How about a piece of chum-flavoured gum? Yes, that is a real
item that you can put under the tree for Christmas.
I have no idea what chum tastes like
and I am pretty sure I would like to keep it that way. I wonder how
the people who made the stuff knows what chum tastes like. On second
thought, never mind.
Tired of giving your wife or girlfriend
the same old boring jewellery for Christmas? How many diamonds can
she wear anyway?
So, instead of diamond earrings, how
about a nice set of squirrel feet earrings. These are real squirrel
feet the discerning woman in your life can dangle from her earlobes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like
strapping some animal parts to your head.
The sad thing is, there will be all
those squirrels running around the forest with prosthetic limbs.
And as the world descends ever deeper
into the unrelenting grip of the bacon craze, a ridiculous amount of
bacon-related items can be purchased.
There is bacon-flavoured toothpaste for
some reason. And bacon-scented soap, so you can walk around smelling
like a BLT all day. There is also bacon jam, bacon relish,
bacon-flavoured bacon, and, of course, bacon-flavoured ice cream.
My mind says no, but my taste buds say
mmmmmm-good.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Copyright 2015, Darren Handschuh
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